new links

i’ve added some new links to the sidebar. in the playful links, i’m currently enjoying the astronomy picture of the day.

and on my strolls in the neighborhood, i am loving my visits through virginia’s fragments from floyd . the pictures move me in a myriad of ways and his words have humor swirling through my being:

We are doing our part to insure the local wildlife–especially the whitetailed stilt-rats–have a healthy and balanced diet of both leafy green veggies….They have eaten the chard and spinach quite down to the ground. And now, they go into the garden just to hang out–it’s become sort of like a wire-enclosed clubhouse for Thoroughly Satiated Ungulates.

things we can and cannot control

as an elementary school counselor, i get to engage with children in many enriching conversations. discussing life skills has always been a topic that i find incredibly valuable to dialogue with children. this month’s guidance lesson with grades 2-4 was on changes that happen in our lives.

things in our life are constantly changing. some changes we can control and some changes we can’t control. can you think of some things that happen in your life that you can or cannot control?

the class, sitting in a circle, passes around a container of dried lima beans, a can, and a bug cage. each child takes out a lima bean and, if they feel comfortable, shares with the group either one thing that they can control (putting a bean in the can) or one thing that they cannot control (putting a bean in the cage).

CAN

my behavior
my thoughts
my life
how much sleep i get
what i wear
my little brother
my dog

CAN’T

my mom and dad fighting
my grandfather dying
my parents getting a divorce
someone being mean to me
having to move
my little sister annoying me
my dog jumping on me
the weather

what has been most noteworthy to me in these revealing discussions is how much happens in children’s lives that they have absolutely no control over. in most classrooms the can would have 3-5 beans and the cage would be full. as an adult, can you imagine swimming through your days from one place to another, having to strictly follow and succumb to events in your life in which you have no control? can you imagine that feeling of complete helplessness, the extreme lack of control of the course of your day, your life?

then i start to think about adults… and the events, emotions, places of being in which we feel like we have no control. i was listening to someone explain the tendency of a child to just giggle uncontrollably when they are uncomfortable, anxious, or nervous. the child would giggle, giggle, giggle, until no breath was left… take a deep breath…. and then return to giggling, giggling, giggling. listening to this description made me think of addictions. how we constantly return to our addictions (our old habits) because they sooth us. they are often all we know as a means of coping with that which we are experiencing inside. and as is the nature of addictions, we fall into the habit of replaying the looping scenario of needing something and indulging in the addiction that provides that which we feel like we need (comfort, familiarity, calmness, numbness, security, support, companionship, etc.). this process becomes a fixation and often it takes such a strong hold on us that it seems as though we have no control over it. it is simply happening to us…. and we put a bean in the cage, feeling trapped and helpless.

in the guidance class, the next round of discussion is coming up with ideas of ways to respond to situations we can’t control. if many children mention that their parents argue a lot, the group shares suggestions of things you can do when you’re parents are fighting

go into your room and draw a picture that makes you feel good, go to a friend’s house, ask them to stop, go to your safe-secret space and relax there, make up a skit with your sister of what they look like when they’re fighting “they really look just like kids!”

this part is my favorite as i am always in awe of the children’s insight and their ability to help one another. we then pass the can around without the cage and re-emphasize things we have control of in our lives.

feel free to drop a bean in the can or cage if you’re so inspired.

Comments:

Ashley, you are such a hero. I’m sure you realize how important the work you’re doing is, but I wish more people would. The lessons you’re teaching (and learning yourself, it seems!) about community building and supporting others and interaction are so, so significant. Thank you so much for posting this: you’ve given me hope.
Siona | Homepage | 10.01.04 – 2:46 pm | #

GravatarYup kids, and adults too…in my work this is the essence of colonization: how little control we feel we have over our lives. Decolonization is the process of opening the space of options for that which we can control, and getting busy with doing that to make more of it.
Chris Corrigan | Homepage | 10.01.04 – 5:33 pm | #

GravatarIn a related vein, it’s true that kids seem to have so little control in their lives, but they have many more options that adults. For example, when I take my kids to Grandma’s house and we visit the sitting room, I can see about two options for the kids: sitting there quietly or leaving My kids on the other hand, have a million options. Grandma’s sitting room is a theme park waiting to be played in, but for me all of that is anxiety riddled. “Don’t touch, don’t jump, don’t knock over…”

The trick in supporting opening relationships is to negotiate in a way that leaves the kid’s options intact and both of our needs met. Kids will always win that negotiation, because in any negotiation, whoever has the most options wins. So as an adult, my kids are always challenging me to find more options, rather than limiting theirs.


Chris Corrigan | Homepage | 10.01.04 – 5:35 pm | #

GravatarDecolonization is the process of opening the space of options for that which we can control

YEAH! and so much of that work is an inner journey. internally we have to reframe, restructe a perspective that has been given many reasons, justifications, moments in history to believe that there is ‘no control.’ i see the role of those who already know this as one of acting as companions and role models for the a-ha that the open space already exists and there is room for us to have immense control. does this fit in with your mapping of decolonization?
ashley | Homepage | 10.02.04 – 10:48 am | #

Gravataras for the adults and the kids at grandma’s, isn’t that just a matter of perspective that the adults only two options? adults can go and ask questions about the trinkets and pictures and paintings and such. eh?

as for the anxiety… that’s so not a part of parenting that i’m looking forward to! doesn’t it make you just not want to visit places where there are so many child-instigated-disasters waiting to happen?

for me leaving the kids options in tack and meeting both adult and child’s needs is wrapped up in setting limits and offering potent choices. like you say the one with the most choices wins, and the key seems to be offering joices that are a win-win for both adults and children.

your kids are so lucky that they’ve got you for a dad!
ashley | Homepage | 10.02.04 – 10:55 am | #

Gravatarhi guys! this is brilliant ashley. and congrats on the new address! i’m posting here because i can! love from kathmandu. m
mherman | Homepage | 10.10.04 – 12:13 am | #

work, job, needs

i see the work that i’m doing as an opportunity to bring people closer and experience a new quality of intimacy – deep human level connection, where we remember one another….i’m really clear that it’s the best i can do right now to make the best impact.

~says one friend.

i feel my role, my calling, the shape of my own work becoming clear, in the most exciting and deeply intuitive way. it is my job to embody a new way of being an organization, and to design, craft, and communicate the structures and practices that will become our rhythm, that will invite the community continually into its deep self. to align fully with life-giving practices, without compromise…

~says another.

and as you know, if you’ve been keeping up with my past posts, i’ve been playing alot with the question, what do you need ? i responded with this to the second friend, chris weaver:

to me the strength and the specific flavor of this time (in a very broad global, collective sense) is recognizing who and what we need and going after it. bringing it into being. surrounding ourselves with people, environments, and actions that continuously inspire and renew us into a place of potential and possibilities where our passions and callings can be heard, responded to, and followed. we need community for that. we need support. we need to feel understood. we need to be seen and acknowledged. we need to be alighned with others who have similar dreams, goals, aspirations, intentions, motivations, desires, needs, wants, wishes, fantasies, etc. we need to let go of our past of feeling isolated, of feeling lonely. we need to stand tall together in our aloneness, in our personal power, in our collective power, swimming in the pool of what is with our eyes wide open and our hearts at rest.

i’m particularly humored by how great it feels to need these things and by the amount of personal growth and development that has evolved from my learning not to depend on these things. i’m specifically thinking about the need to feel understood and seen and acknowledged. i have/am enjoying a remarkable journey of undoing my tendency to define myself and my personal worth by how seen and understood i feel. and i am so in love with the unfolding flowering of being seen and understood. what do you call such delicious entanglements?

thank you to my easily amazed family. you do all know how much you mean to me, right? wether you comment or not, i love the life that you breathe into this ‘community’.

what is… as is

free time has found me surfing the blogoshpere. i feel so fortunate to have access to the wisdom, the curiosity, the vulnerability, the rich sharing that spreads through this inner-net. here are some words from a few neighbors that have moved me this morning.

john engle:

I Just Don’t Get It

Over the years, countless Haitians have asked me, “Why do Haitians have to suffer so?” “Is God punishing us?”

I find myself asking,

#1. Is it God?

#2. Is it corrupt leaders and the abuse of power at virtually every level of Haitian society?

#3. Is it discrimination and exploitation from non-Haitians, past and present?

his exploration of these questions invites my heart to sit silently in an open, bleeding place, feeling what is.

siona’s openness and vulnerable authenticity encourage me to accept life as is.

The erosion of our efforts is not quite the same as the rich death of a rotted-out, moss-covered pine, and not quite as obviously positive as the life that struggles up from naturally decayed matter, but it is evidence nonetheless of change, of the cyclical force of nature, of the power of the land, and of the laughable grandiosity of humans. We can do what we want. We can construct what we wish. We can tunnel and scrape and pave and shape and build.

Life goes on.

small Change News Network

and here’s another angle from which to ask the question what do you need?, along with a slew of other great questions and a playground at which the answers come to life. a new resource is coming to the internet…

The small Change News Network

connecting what we have and do to what we want and need.

individuals helping individuals help individuals.

What Do You Want?

• What is happening in your neighborhood, your school, and the larger world?

• What should be happening?

• How could the most important issues be addressed or resolved?

• What do you want the solution to look and sound and feel like?

• What is your own dream project?

What Do You Have?

• Who are you and what do you already have going for you?

• Who do you know? Where are you connected?

• What gifts, talents, passions, skills and experiences do you bring to this?

• Are you spending your own time and money on making something happen?

• Do you have the funding and need people to work with?

• Who’s already supporting this project?

• Who can we contact, as references, to find out more about the good work you’ve already been doing?

What Do You Need?

• What would it take for you to make a difference?

• Are you looking for partners?

• Connections?

• Some funding?

• A place to meet?

• Some special sort of expertise?

• What kind of connections and contributions do you need to give your own gifts, and make your own contribution, more fully?

• What kind of support do you need for this project?

What Will You Do?

• What will you do if you get the help you need?

• What are your immediate next steps?

• What results will you produce?

• Where will you report your progress and success stories?

• How will all of this benefit you, your contributors and the situation and people you are wanting to serve?

• What can you promise to this project and anyone else who will join you in it?

Individual action is about making small changes that one or a few people can get started on their own.

so go get started, visit the sCNN.