cut-and-paste game

I am really enjoying the cut-and-paste game lately. If only I could play with all of the words that easily amaze me these days. . .

here’s what I’ve got for right now. This is from the integral naked discussion, have you ever connected beyond…. This post seems to fit with conversations going on here – being vulnerable, complementing, and now compassionate criticism:

“And isn’t that the potential of an adult relationship? the ability to be open and vulnerable?

The Dalai Lama is often quoted as saying “our greatest spiritual friends are not those that are easy to be around… Our greatest spiritual friends are the ones who press our buttons…” (or something to that effect)

With this in mind, I began several years ago soliciting friends to be “spiritual friends”… Now this didn’t mean that we would sit around and sing kum-ba-ya or anything like that… rather we based this “spiritual friendship” on something I call “compassionate criticism”.

The basis of this “compassionate criticism” is around the idea that the easiest way to see the separate self, is to criticize it!

The beauty of this exercise is that it’s not only an exercise of the person getting the criticism… but also of the person giving the criticism.

I can tell you when I receive “compassionate criticism” in a mindful way.. I can definitely see my separate self… It becomes WAY less of subtle thing to deal with. It’s that part of you that wants to say “But.. but … but…”

But also when I give a criticism, I can see a part of me that says “Thats right.. I KNOW..” It’s another side of the ego that becomes very noticable in an exchange like this…

The whole idea of a “spiritual friendship” like this is that you have two people consciousness’ working on your growth simultaneously. In the absolute realm it works to make you see your separate self.. and lessens your identity with it. In the relative realm it works because people always develop along differing lines at different rates and invariably the critisicm comes from an area where your friend is a little more developed than yourself.”

like christy said, “A dance of both connection (one to the other) and communion (no other, just One)!”

complementing with others

(stamp by Angi B & Co., found here).

if you haven’t read the magic that is written here, i highly recommend it.

and then i’d like to share a prayer of my own that talks to this topic.

i complement with another:

i share space with those whose spirit complements my own and whose spirit i complement.

together we encourage the shining of our souls.

together (and still separately as well) we encourage the shining of others’ souls.

our space together is inviting and complementing to the environment around us.

all that we let in…

hi all,

in light of the discussion a few weeks ago concerning letting things in (i.e., being vulnerable) or not, i found the lyrics to the title track of the new indigo girls album to be particularly fitting. it’s much better heard than read, but the basic point is still communicated…

“the dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up, heartsick we nurse along the way we picked up, you may not see it when it’s sticking to your skin, but we’re better off for all that we let in. we’ve lost friends and loved ones much too young, with so much promise and work left undone, when all that guards us is a single center line, and the brutal crossing over when it’s time. well i don’t know where it all begins, and i don’t know where it all will end, but we’re better off for all that we let in. one day those toughies will be withered up and bent, the father son, the holy warriors, and the president, with glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see, beaten into submission in the name of the free. we’re in an evolution i have heard it said, everyone’s so busy now, but we do move ahead. plents hurling, atoms splitting and a sweater for your love you sit there knitting. you see those crosses on the side of the road, or tied with ribbons in the median. they make me grateful i can go this mile, lay me down at night and wake me up again. kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck, we don’t believe in war and we don’t believe in luck, the birds were calling to her, what were they saying as the gate blew open and the tops of the trees were swaying. i pass the cemetery, walk my dog down there, i read the names in stone and i say a silent prayer. when i get home you’re cooking supper on the stove, and the greatest gift of life is to know love.”

i apologize for constantly moving things from the comments box to the big screen! i just find them so much prettier (easier) to look at when they’re up here! so, michael herman was saying,

“and then there is the bit noted in marshall rosenberg’s non-violent communication, about what he refers to as flattery. he points out that so often we say things like “you’re great,” but don’t say why. these “compliments” are really judgments and they can just as easily be flipped around. we don’t like these “compliments” because we don’t like any judgments being made about us. sometimes this flattery can be used as a means of subtle or not-so-subtle control, playing on whatever habit we have of trying to please others. better, says rosenberg, to say “i liked when you did…” or “i felt… when you did…” and own up to our own experience. then others can know better their effect and choose to do more or less of same.”

this is so cool, distinguishing between giving a complement and providing flattery (how do you say that?). it brought to my mind the difference between praise and encouragement. in play therapy we say that in order to give power back to the child, an adult might want to avoid praise, in favor of encouragement. when one praises a child, “you did a good job,” the message the child receives is he or she thinks that i did a good job. the adult is the all-knowing one. encouragement, on the other hand, would come in the form of, “wow, you worked really hard on that.” which the child then internalizes as, wow, i did work really hard on that…and can choose to do more or less of the same based on his or her own judgment (which would probably be. wow, i did a good job!). the power is back inside the child.

so it appears that praise and flattery share some in common. they fill the space as a subtle or not-so-subtle means of control. and then there are complements and encouragement. they honor another being. i like that!

Comments:

Hi Ashley! These posts, and the thread I peeked at thru your window into Integral Naked, lead me to reflect on my own intentional behavior as an extravagant praiser–and I do think of what I offer as praise, as well as complimenting–with the distinctions being made here helpful and wise.

To me, praise is a form of prayer and gratitude and worship (in fact, the word I often like to use as a password is the Hebrew word for praise–oh, I guess that’s supposed to be secret!). If I am moved or pleased by something I hear or see or by a quality I notice in someone I know, or don’t know, I like to tell them so. Sometimes, it’s true, people squirm a little or try to minimize the quality I am admiring. Just as often, maybe more often, though, people brighten up with (I think) the feeling of being recognized.

(oops–out of space–to be continued…)

Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.03.04 – 1:15 am | #

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(The rest of my long-winded reflection)

Recognized as an aspect of the divine, in a way.

The other part is: I do enjoy receiving praise and compliments, too, and it wasn’t always so–a function of being more comfortable with myself, I think, and that’s been a function of getting older. Usually, I can say “thank you”, and mean it, even if seems like flattery or superficial social lubrication; and in general I can often say “I’m so glad you like that–I like it too!” And, receiving a compliment graciously is like receiving a present–it is also a gift to the giver for their offering to be accepted with pleasure.

Thank you, Ashley, for offering the opportunity to consider these questions!

love, Christy

Christy Lee-Engel | 03.03.04 – 1:47 am | #

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well, well… you never know who you’ll meet in a place like this! thanks for your email, christy… more on that by email….

…and this whole thing reminds me that the key element seems to me to be about “seeing” another person. witnessing them, and doing it when they are at their best, or at least their good… no judging… just noticing.

and then, as we see all and everything as teacher, it seems this worship/praise and noticed goodness shines through in all we say to each person we meet. so no “compliments” needed… just a lot of paying good attention and paying attention to good. huh.

michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.03.04 – 12:45 pm | #

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Hi ya, Michael, too!

Oh, yes, that is the key, isn’t it?–appreciation without judgment, just really seeing a person without having a subtle or not-so-subtle desire to control, “paying good attention and paying attention to good”. You know, that kind of interaction/experience is profoundly simple and powerful medicine.

love,

Christy

Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 – 2:13 am | #

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hey michael!

ashley, i’m intrigued to notice that you switched back and forth a few times between spellings. Webster says, “compliment – an expression of approval or admiration, esp: a flattering remark”…and “complement – something that fills up or completes.”

so for me, here’s what it’s like to receive a complement: i have extended myself in relationship with a person. reached out, not knowing whether or how i have touched. there is a not-necessarily-uncomfortable feeling of incompletion.

then he/she tells me his/her experience of receiving…

(next message)

chris weaver | Email | 03.04.04 – 2:48 am | #

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…and i experience the completion of a circuit of relationship. yes, michael, it’s noticing, but what i find most meaningful is when my friend notices his/her own experience of receiving and shares that story, rather than articulating something “about” me.

i am thinking that giving “complements” like this is a wonderful art, and i am thinking that it invites love and creative intimacy. a complement honors the subtle nature of connection between people, how one person’s word or gesture or smile evokes another person to open, or to journey, or to face a fear, or to burst into bloom.

& christy if i knew your password i bet it would describe this dance!

chris weaver | Email | 03.04.04 – 2:58 am | #

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yes, absolutely about sharing one’s own experience of the other, chris. we actually touched on that a couple of posts back.

what a fun little gathering this turns out to be. feels like open space TO ME, ashley! (grin)

michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 – 1:47 pm | #

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seeing another person–

recognizing an aspect of the divine.

a circuit of relationship,

honoring the subtle nature of connection between people.

powerful medicine

ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 – 3:57 pm | #

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and today i read in Positive Discipline about Celebrating: “When you are quick to celebrate any movement in the direction of a student’s potential or maturity, you encourage. When you demand too much too soon, you discourage.”

ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 – 3:57 pm | #

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Chris, I find your phrase “how one person’s word or gesture or smile evokes another person to…” to be itself an evocation, a drawing out/leaning in, celebration of movement; and the image that arises in me to complement that phrase is the Yin/Yang symbol, black and white fish swimming curled up head to tail–the most important part of that complementary pair being the tiny dot of the other that each one carries in its center.

A dance of both connection (one to the other) and communion (no other, just One)!

Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.05.04 – 1:53 am | #

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YOUR words christy just brought that symbol utterly to life for me.

ashley shared with me recently a description of masculine and feminine aspect/paths to enlightenment (ken wilbur’s) – feminine being total absorbtion in love and masculine involving reflection…and i am liking the feel of the interplay between them as your two fish hula hooping around together…

chris weaver | Email | 03.05.04 – 8:34 pm | #

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Ah! the revelation of aliveness is transmitted through your words, Chris–that little marks on a screen can carry life force is magic, isn’t it?

Yes, I can see how the feminine principle/path is the one of total absorption of light (thus is the black fish; all that’s dark, moist, cool, deep, receptive–that’s Yin) and the masculine is the reflective, white/bright, transcendent, active–that’s Yang. Inseparable.

Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.06.04 – 3:05 am | #

more on compliments

this was posted at the integral naked discussion on compliments:

“I just wanted to share this thought with you all. As a foreigner, I was just shocked to see how compliment-saturated the American social-culture is when I first moved to the U.S. Most of it seems empty to me, at times. I felt sofocated by the excess of adjectives and labels every time someone opened their mouth. If there is nervous silence, it seems inevitable that a compliment, adjective or label (that is completely unnecessary) will be thown out in the air just for the sake of it…

I personally dig being complemented, when is timely, meaningful and sincere. I don’t like to give compliments unless I really mean it (well, after 3 years in the U.S., I;m starting to get into that habit, as well).

I don’t mean to be agressive, but that is one thing I hardly ever get the chance to express… since it’s a cultural difference I don’t think people are ready to hear this. This conversations at IN are about running around naked so that’s why I decided to speak up. I apologize if anyone feels attacked by it, but really guys think about it… make good use of your ability to compliment people!”

to which i replied:

ABSOLUTELY… i think that is one of the big reasons that people cringe when they get a compliment… because so often they are just empty words that people throw into a space. that’s interesting to hear that it’s a cultural thing. i’d never thought about it from that perspective. what you bring up is exactly why i clarified that by compliments, i mean the genuine ones from the heart.

any other observations on it being a cultural thing?

i invite us all to be conscious of how we give and receive compliments. avoiding throwing complementary words into the air for the sake of filling space, and feeling as the timely, meaningful, and sincere words land within our being.

have fun!

The Ten Rules for Being Human by Chérie Carter-Scott

1. You Will Receive A Body

You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth.

2. You Will Be Presented With Lessons

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “life.” Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons

Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work.

4. Lessons Are Repeated Until Learned

Lessons will repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning Does Not End.

There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

(the rest can be found at global village news)

Compliments

What are (as we say in the south) all ya’lls thoughts on compliments?
Anything come up when you give them or receive them? I’m not always so great about receiving them… some times, somewhere in my head they turn into “oh, but that’s nothing… you’re that too.” And instead of hearing and taking the compliment, I’m way too quick to mirror it back to the other person, or move on to a different subject. It’s so funny because when I do that I just deny the other person the joy of giving the compliment. I’m getting better at receiving them.

On the flip side… I LOVE to GIVE compliments… genuine ones from my heart. I can’t think of anything more delicious to do than to tell people why and how I love them… to share the beautiful ways that I see them…

Any thoughts?

p.s. i posted this same pondering at Integral Naked. you can read the comments by clicking here.