gestalt and happy couples

we’re reading and discussing In Search of Good Form: Gestalt Therapy with Couples and Families by Joseph Zinker in the gestalt training group that i am in. we spent some time on this passage this morning (and i want to share it with you!):

Happy couples and families, by our definition, usually possess some combinations of these features. They

* hear each other

* own their feelings and ideas

* exchange ideas so that a good fit is achieved

* ask each other questions, rather than making assumptions

* disagree and accept differences without fear

* accommodate each other

* fight for what feels “right” and “good” for each other

* start, develop, and finish a discussion or event and then let it go

* share pains, curiosities, regrets, resentments, tenderness–a variety of needs and wants

* learn to accept a “yes” gratefully and a “no” graciously without holding onto resentment

* move from one experience to another without getting stuck

* let go of wanting something that is hopelessly unavailable

* laugh at themselves

* influence each other

* support each other’s interests and projects

* show pride and compassion for each other’s accomplishments and setbacks

* respect each other’s privacy and, at the same time, intrude when another withdraws in pain

* “mind each other’s business” when it comes to important matters

* tolerate strange and novel ideas from each other and

* dream together

what would you add to this list?

coming alive

i found this at gassho today… gassho is an incredibly inspiring site, well worth wandering into. jack shares “gassho (gah-‘show) is a zen affirmation of life from an intention of humility, gratitude, and mindfulness.” that’s right up our alley!

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs – ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

–Howard Thurman, Philosopher and Theologian

comments:

i was recalling Willis Harman’s three-part answer to the question “what can we do?” — in my skittish memory banks it goes something like this:

personal level: 1. try something you’re passionate about

community level: 2. pay attention to the feedback

planet level: 3. do more inner work to discern a better answer to 1 (because you are the planet healing itself)

jeff aitken | Email | Homepage | 04.30.04 – 11:53 am | #

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does anyone have suggestions on how to help people tune into what they are passionate about. i find it hard for many to uncover this truth within themselves… and thus they give up before they even get to step 1.

ashley | Email | Homepage | 05.01.04 – 1:22 pm | #

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I find meditation to be one answer…

Bruce

~thomas~

there is a moment when our pulpy delight is suspended at the peak between

willful intention

and

surrender to gravity’s grace,

no longer rising, not yet falling.

in that perfect moment of absolute stillness we may gaze into each others eyes

as dear friends,

recognizing the quiet poise of our fully lifted nature.

linger(ing) in the intoxicating juiciness of your nested peaks.

mmmmmm.

~helen~

When I see people

I smile

I AM so beautiful

When I see Nature

I smile

I AM so beautiful

When I see garbage sites

I smile

I AM so beautiful

(one summer noon, us street kids, put on a ‘theather’ for our mom’s on garbage ash/ground site, (when it got cleared away), and everybody smiled

When I’m sad

I try to remember

I AM

beautiful

When it is raining

My eyes are wet

I AM

rain

recognizing the quiet poise of our fully lifted nature.

WE ARE so beautiful

p.s. i only did a little bit of cut and pasting!

toning and sounds

there’s been a conversation between thomas and i in a comment box below filled with talk of… well, all kinds of things! one of the topics has been toning and the power of sounds. a few mentioned were ahhhhhh, oops, chk chk, mmmm, Huuu, Hmmm, and Haaa! Peggy Jentoft writes about Sound, and Toning

Music is used to still the mind and to incite passion. to commemorate triumph and mourn loss. to comfort and to anger. Whether tonal, melodic or rhythmic, music, sound, noise, vibration reaches the essential nature, touching the primitive mind and the advanced soul equally. Sound has been used in virtually every sacred tradition: to invoke changes in consciousness, and as an aid in healing . Those few which have not used music have often dramatically rejected it.

People and animals and even plants respond mentally and emotionally to vibrations of certain frequencies and rhythms. Some sounds please us, some don’t . Sound has been used to invoke changes in consciousness and

as an aid in healing in virtually every culture and spiritual path since the dawn of recorded history . “In the beginning there was the word ” Many spiritual teachings of ancient knowing teach that the instant of creation was sound .

Most of us have had the experience of being carried away by music or having a song or piece of music stir us in ways that have nothing to do with lyrics but with the effect of the vibration on our bodies minds and spirits. Some people issue warnings that certain sounds and music can do damage destroy character promote incivility whatever. I recall campaigns against Rock and roll and Rap music and there were objections to jazz as a dangerous force at one time too. On the other hand much music is promoted and used to create specific effects on the intellect or physical body or on the spirit. Even if you have never done anything that you associate with sound healing or music therapy if you have ever selected music to calm a child , excite a lover , or wake you up then you have practiced music therapy of sorts….

Most people who do vocal toning work intuitively . You can tone even if if you cannot hold a tune at all .This is about vibration rather than about musical perfection . You can tone for yourself even if you have no interest in doing it for others . You can simply and spontaneously create and allow whatever sound wants to come out to come out or choose mantra , sets of sounds or words

One grounds and opens the mouth and allows sound to come out . Many people start with the vowel sounds. Do not be concerned with doing it right, allow sound to come out open your throat for a full round tone Support your deep breath with in your diaphragm. You can often feel the vibration effecting the areas of your body and being that the sound resonates with. As you tone allow your body to resonate, feel the vibration of the tones throughout your body . most tones are held as long as possible though there are staccato and shorter tone forms as well. Do not be concerned with how long you can hold a tone or whether or not you are on pitch. start by trying to spend 5 or ten minutes a day toning . Many people find that this gives them both increased vitality and inner calm.

for those of you with busy lives on the go… i find the car and the shower to be wonderful places to open my mouth and let whatever sounds feel like flying out of my mouth…. fly out of my mouth!

comments:

all too often, i find all sorts of sounds coming out of my mouth when i’m in the car. they seem to coincide with me coming across nasty drivers. teeheehee

becky | Email | 04.27.04 – 2:59 pm | #

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There is nothing in this world which does not speak. Every thing and every being is continually calling out its nature, its character, its secret; the more the inner sense is open, the more capable it becomes of hearing the voice of all things. –Hazrat Inayat Khan

Monday afternoon, migration route on the Pacific coast, incoming tide, wind from the north, sun in my eyes, no humans in sight.

I am at the tideline in the midst of several thousand hungry sandpipers. After an hour of silent standing I am no more than a tall chunk of driftwood rooted in the sand listening to the chattering peeps creating a lovely melody over the roar of the surf. A long line of birds stay within a few feet of water’s edge, racing in and out with the waves stopping only to dip their long beak into the wet sand for tasty snack.

thomas | 04.27.04 – 9:01 pm | #

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Suddenly a large wave rushes in faster than scrambling legs can move and the flock rises as a single organism, a dark mass of flight curving into an astonishing flash of white belly then around again as a silhouette on the blue sky. Squadrons of twenty or so begin peeling off from the main group and circle back to the beach, spinning me with delight.

Soon the whole flock is again running to and fro chattering about this beautiful weather! and my, my, such a fine day of dining! and did you hear that piece of wood over there barking like a laughing seal? ? ?

-t-

thomas | 04.27.04 – 9:02 pm | #

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here in the hardwood forest of the southern highlands i am feeling the great leaf-out as a toning, how each new leaf cries out in wonder&awe at birth and all the young translucent leaves are singing…they have a night song, and a morning song, a rain song…the tulip-poplar leaves are being birthed up both sides of this valley, on this south-facing side about 500 feet higher than across on the north-facing side, like children racing to the top, and all the kinds of oakleaf babies are rolling up behind with their ancient olivey voices pealing, pealing, pealing each of us listening open just like a banana…

chris weaver | Email | 04.28.04 – 11:18 am | #

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yes, yes, dear weaver of truth,

trees mend us with a magnetic tone rooted through a branching spray of light.

and how perfect and good it is

to lift your voice in the shower

and on the road, giving shape

to the sounds of your soul.

and when you need

to hear the voice

of your beloved

whispering your true name

over and over

above and below

sit under your quiet tree

gently breathing your tones

listening to the subtle harmonics

resonating in the chambered flow

ahhhhhhhhh

huuu!

he-he-he-he

thomas | 04.29.04 – 2:56 pm | #

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morning rain.

young trees lean out over the creek, open eyes on the sky.

clouds visit the high ridgelines & touch each holding-out trunk & twig in the most personal sacral way.

now is the time when longing doesn’t last long!

acute teacher, precise pointer, slips in the heart’s door

trying to look like longing by half-concealing the menagerie of beings of fulfillment, a whole unruly party of elves & faeries under his robe.

far away across the water, the sound of a hand drum in the bow of a cedar dugout.

close at hand, blue garden girl’s toes kiss the ground in parting.

as somebody awake once said,

there’s no end to any of this.

chris weaver | Email | 04.30.04 – 9:56 am | #

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i love

days i feel so out of tune

i cringe to hear myself

if i just give up and let go

and let my voice be what it must

it hurts at first

but to my surprise

no matter how off key

it still finds resonance in the

uni*verse

karabrown | Email | 04.30.04 – 12:24 pm | #

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from http://www.wie.org/collective/

“The remarkable dance of birds in flight, the bonds between people and their pets, the creative synergy of a sports team in flow—these are but a few of the examples that this pioneering biologist uses to illustrate how social animals create fields of connection. In fact, Sheldrake argues, when a group field is created between people, then telepathy becomes a natural extension of our biological nature.”

ashley | Email | Homepage | 05.01.04 – 11:13 pm | #

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routines, rituals and dopamine!

oh, how i’m loving this book I Love You Rituals. i think you’ll be hearing about it for a bit! most of the words below are direct quotes…

Routines — help children learn to tell time and regulate their own internal clocks…they learn to predict what happens next… the goal of routine is continuity.

Rituals — the goal of rituals is connection. Rituals create a sacred space designed for togetherness and unity. Rituals are the glue that holds the mosaic of love together.

Dopamine — symbolically dopamine says “Focus on this; Pay attention.” It helps us stay focused….Dopamine motivates us to achieve our goals. It says, “Go for it; get what you desire.” Dopamine helps us take action toward achieving our goals, rather than passively wish things were different. Dopamine also is instrumental in creating the positive emotions we feel when we experience successful social intereactions.

The dopamine system appears to be “jump-started” and calibrated in the early years of life…The secret ingredients appear to be eye contact, touch and the bonding these interactions provide. Watch a caring adult interact with a six-month-old infant: Their eyes meet, and a connection is made between them. It is similar to later experiences we call love at first sight…

(I would expand the love at first sight to include the general feeling of falling in love. falling in love with another person, falling in love with a flower, falling in love with a song, falling in love with a thought, falling in love with the smell of coffee, falling in love with a moment.)

The allure of this mutual intimacy overrides the self-consciousness of even grumpy adults…I Love You Rituals are designed to foster eye contact and bonding. In the process, the dompamine system of children (and adults) is strengthened, as are attention span and social development.

Children who are surrounded by chronic bickering or tension at home may learn to tune out the unpleasantness to survive… (she goes on to explain a situation when a couple was arguing and the 10 year old child was) stoically staring out the window, his facial expression unfocused. He was doing what all of us have done at one time or another: He was “becoming invisible” and removing the fight from his pereceptual field. He was relieving the tension by lowering his ability to attend and thus depressing his dopamine level….

I Love You Rituals provide daily tune-upsthe journey to reconnection comes through communication. Communication occurs through the simultaneous engagement of eyes, touch, and loving words–all of which are provided in I Love You Rituals.

i adore how these words ring so true. in regards to tuning out the unpleasantness, i find it meaningful to recognize how much the tuning out process served us in our past. it was a habit that we created or adapted to as a survival technique. however, as adults, we have the ability to let go of that habit. we can tune back in now! breaking old habits is difficult and takes effort.

we each have different methods and practices for tuning in and connecting… for meeting this inherent human need… for being in flow. how do you tune in?

a present

I started reading the book I Love You Rituals by Becky A. Bailey today. I am currently writing a lesson plan of rituals to complement the 10 week parenting group that I have been facilitating. The model, type of therapy, that I have been studying is called Filial Therapy. There are various methods for leading a filial therapy group. The common bottom line intent, however, is to strengthen the parent-child relationship. although the links provided are from different sources then the model I have been trained in, they all complement one another. this book by Becky Bailey is not connected with filial therapy, though, again, they complement one another.

As I began my personal journey, I found out something very surprising: I was frightened of the present moment. This understanding was inspired by the work, friendship and love of Carol Howe. The saying goes, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” This was the case with Carol, who is my teacher, mentor, and friend. The present was where my feelings were located. I had spent so many years staying busy, exercising, achieving, and taking care of others; I never realized these were different forms of compulsion to drown out my feelings. I also thought that if I relaxed and let down my defenses, people would see me as incompetent or unworthy. What I discovered, with Carol’s guidance, was that when I chose to relax and be in the present, I felt connected and loved. My fears melted away. The more I could stay in the moment, the more I could engage with children. Just think about it. If young children live in the present and adults spend most of their time in the past or in the future, we have abandoned our children to some degree.

This book, I Love You Rituals, came out of my journey from being lost in the past and projecting my thoughts into the future to rediscovering myself in the present. I once read, “The true gifts of life lie in the moment. That is why we call it the present.” We, as a culture, have replaced presence with presents.

Each moment we have a choice to be fully present and loving or available yet disconnected….These I Love You Rituals are my present to your presence. Good journey!

if anyone wants to donate some of their own family rituals to this project, please do share!

with love and gratitude,

ashley

work as practice

charlesb posted this at integral naked in the discussion about work as practice

Work is one of the three main channels for the realization of human potentials. What Michael observed about it supports the notion i found to be true, that at best, work is a barometer of consciousness. If we take some simple task, one well known and beyond reach of the learning curve, say washing a dish. And the dish falls from our hand and breaks! If that little shock causes us to examine carefully just where we were at in our head at the moment, its possible to see that ‘we’ were off some where else, probably indulging ourselves in some form of negativity.

It’s most useful for me to see work in terms of karmayoga. The rules for which are quite simple: Do each thing for its own sake, in its own time, without consideration of reward. Work does not, however, happen in a vacuum. It’s inextricably tied to the giving and receiving of affection, and understanding –the other two main channels of realization. This means that the more the task is loved the better is the possible outcome, and the greater is our capacity to understand it in fuller context. In practice it matters little which of these three serve as entrance, and the highest levels they prove not to be separate at all.

so i gather:

channels for the realization of human potential

1. work

2. giving and receiving of affection

3. gving and receiving of understanding

work:

~a barometer of consciousness

~simple task –>little shock –>examination –>new insight

~Do each thing for its own sake, in its own time, without consideration of reward

~the more the task is loved the better is the possible outcome, and the greater is our capacity to understand it in fuller context.