When I Hear the Calling…

Life continues to be a roller coaster. I feel inclined to write… and tell you about parts of this journey I am living.

I live a life of service. I listen for signs of where I am to show up… how I am to give my gifts in this world. And when I hear a calling, I do my best to show up for what is being asked.

This has resulted in major moves in my life such as leaving beautiful land that I love for graduate school in Denton, Texas. Quitting a great job and leaving Seattle at a peek in my professional career to return to Asheville with no job, no place to live, no clear direction — but a calling. It’s the reason I spearheaded TEDxNextGenerationAsheville and it’s definitely the force behind the last  3 years of intensive dedication to giving life and shape to Mycelium the organization — born out of a love affair with mycelium the organism.

This pattern of listening and acting shows up in small ways too — but this post is about the latest major life calling that is propelling my actions at this time.

Within the last 9 months to a year, there’s been a gentle tap on my shoulder — “You should be working with White people around racial justice.” I’ve listened and taken this tap seriously. The first line of action was to face my own personal lack of confidence and capability. I am not an expert in anti-oppression and anti-racism theory. I do not know the models and frameworks, the right language to use, the depths of the history that has gotten us here, the skillful approaches to engage these conversations. I’m not experienced enough for this work, I felt. So I’ve immersed myself in learning. Reading articles, books, watching videos, listening to podcasts and countless conversations with people already in the work… people who are deeply aware of how their life is effected by racial injustice everyday… people who are courageous and taking bold actions to pave the way for a different way of being.

About 3 months ago, the game changed again. The gentle but consistent tap on my shoulder shifted into a large man’s hand on by back, behind my heart, compassionately but forcefully shoving me forward. I tremble as I write, being honest with the fact that I am still afraid that “I’m not ready. I’m not an expert. What if I don’t have what it takes?” And yet… Here I am. Breathing. And knowing that I have value to give.

A month ago I was expressing to a friend my concerns about not being an expert in this work. She said, “You’re looking at expert from a Euro-centric perspective based in academics and logic. You have a different type of expertise.” This hit me as true. The authenticity I bring, my own experience, the compassion I feel for all involved and my dedication to learning are areas that I have great faith in myself. And so again… Here I am.

While looking at and addressing systems of oppression and creating more equitable and diverse learning environments has been a deep part of my professional path for the last 9 years, the terrain is shifting right now.

And this shift has me living on a roller coaster. Some days filled with hope and inspiration, motivated with courage and passion. And other days curled up in depression, tears streaming and my heart hurting. As I continue to wake up more and more to the realities that we are living in and listen to the call of what is being asked of me, I realize how much I don’t know and how intense and heartbreaking the complex dynamics really are.

At the same time, new role models and inspiration show up, new friends appear along the path. As with all the challenges that face us at this time on the planet, there are incredible leaders paving the way and offering guidance for how to get to the world we want to live in.

Yesterday was a heavy day, while also highlighted with moments of inspiration. I began with a prayer-mediation conference call with Gibran Rivera – Love Black Lives. I watched the livestream of the Movement for Black Lives convening in Cleveland and listened to the strong imperative to love ALL BLACK LIVES, explaining the plight of trans and queer People of Color, illustrating how powerful their voices are and listening to their pleas for us to stand up, speak out and help end the murdering of their people as well. I watched on twitter as the joy, healing, regeneration and gratitude poured in of Black people at the convening who are so thankful to be with one another, with their people, over 1000 of them… rebuilding their life force, receiving love and nourishment, and finding strength to continue leading this movement. I was also feeling as Sandra Bland’s family and friends were gathering to lay her body to rest at her funeral. Her dedication to fight injustice meant that she is now dead… and it is the loss of her life that will be her namesake’s fight. And I watched as the streets of Newark filled and countless people spoke at the Million People’s March Against Police Brutality, Racial Injustice, And Economic Inequality. The movement is alive. I am not alone.

And yet… when I went to a party last night to see friends I love and say goodbye to dear souls that are moving… I didn’t know how to connect beyond a surface level. My body trembles and tears well as I try and put words to this feeling that is pulsing through me. To interact in the everyday White/dominant culture world, I feel like I have to push these realities I am living to the back, not yet clear of how to bring them forward or be real to my lief experience in “not so intense” ways. I don’t know how to just shake it off and have a good time when conversation is involved.

And at the same time, so many of my dear friends of color are in so much pain and grief right now. I can’t even imagine what it is like for them to walk the streets and try and be normal and interact with people as they cope with the intensity that is stirring inside them. I deeply understand their requests for space and their need to turn inward and care for themselves. I witness as they do everything they know how – dance, pray, self-care, fellowship, ceremony, time with friends and family – to breathe life into their tired bodies and passion into their daily actions. I witness the depths of their faith and resilience and am inspired and grateful.

….

I shall bring this writing to a close for now. Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far. Thank you for your love and care. Thank you for understanding that there are many of us who need love and support right now. You may be one of these people. So many folks have said to me, “I’m so thankful that there’s people like you doing this work.” I genuinely appreciate this recognition and gratitude. And I would like to have more people join me, to have more caring souls in the work with us. I’m seeking to grow my own support network and discover who are the folks that are available with love and support for me to call on these heavy days, who will call and check in on me, willing to come and give a hug, sit in silence with understanding eyes or be present with rage and anger?

Who is willing to walk with us as we dedicate our lives to bringing more love, justice, healing and freedom to those who walk the Earth at this time and the future generations to come?

 

 

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10 Comments

  1. Love this look into your process here lately. Whereever you head, one thing I know will be true is it will make a difference in this time of need.

  2. Hello Ashley! much recognition here! I will send you an email one of these days telling you more what we are up to in this regard – maybe you could join…
    with love,
    Ria

  3. Love is a verb. Just keep on doing what your guided to.
    Your perfect. And small talk is just filler.
    ??

  4. I’m here, Ashley, been here for a good long while. Grateful for you and your words, articulating what I can’t always say, but am deeply feeling. Love and will connect soon. Love All Black Lives

  5. Breaking our hearts wide open is a part of the path….you are doing that out loud!
    Hallelujah. Looking forward to seeing where we can be joining our passions for the world’s full potential….
    YES!
    LOVE ALL BLACK LIVES!
    …that much we know is true and worth the work…

  6. Ashley…

    I feel you so completely through your recent narratives. One of the things I believe we share is an inability to just overlook injustice, as though it’s not our responsibility to try and work towards setting things right…

    But it’s immense. The violent dominance paradigm that was born when our nation’s founders soaked the land with blood of its natives, remains a backdrop to our society’s collective psyche… unapologetic and aloof. Followed by the theft and enslavement of untold thousands of people, forced to build financial empires for familial bloodlines who maintain tremendous advantage through countless oppressive mechanisms. And the list of peoples living under extreme duress expands to include LGBTQ, women, children, refugees, elderly, disabled, homeless, and beyond. Still – somehow – the narrative of our culture remains unapologetic and aloof.

    It is unfathomable to me… makes me feel futile & a lil crazed at times.

    However, our generation has one crucial resource that has never been available before now, mass CONNECTIVITY. The value of the mycelial principles you advocate for cannot be over overstated, because they improve the flow of IDEAS.
    Ponder: The sweeping call for gay rights over the past several years is finally resulting in legislative action… because though access to information and ideas challenging our collective conscience, we’re finding Love to be more valuable than bigotry. I am thrilled by this model of change – but it took a very long time & I still feel a deep sense of urgency around today’s recurring crises.

    I stand with you…
    As family.
    As someone who won’t simply look away.
    As someone rolling their sleeves up and ready to do my part (however small it may feel)
    As an advocate for love.

    The same vulnerability that leaves us open to crushing fear, also allows us genuine empathy… and with it, the capacity to love BIG… the kind of love that can reach masses of people… the kind of love that changes things.

    Stand firm in your vulnerability. Keep doing the work. Stay true to love.
    It absolutely, positively matters.

    G.

  7. Oh Beauty. My heart is full listening to your words.

    What’s calling you feels like THE definitive issue of this time, so I’m not surprised your sensitive ears are hearing it so loudly. Please count me among those you can reach out to for help, on whatever level is needed.

    And keep following your call and learning all you can… Your courage and leadership is what gives the rest of us courage and buoys our own strength.

    Amy

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