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Shadows and Swords

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A month ago I was invited into a dance of awareness. I was invited to live with greater integrity. I recognized in my interactions with myself and others that there was an inherent boundary I was not respecting. A gate I was ignoring, walking through without honoring its sacred presence. I was acting irresponsibly.

Synchronicities and teachings unfold as Chris and friends share around Going to War at the Art of Hosting on Art of Hosting. Here’s my story.

In a spontaneous moment of combined knowing-need for respite and solitude along with a longing-desire for escape, I took a one night trip to the ocean! It was a therapeutic offering of time and space to deepen into my experience of being alive. Some potent new awarenesses emerged. I’ll share a story about one of them… a recognition of two precious parts of myself.

From my journal:

There is a part of me that interacts Powerfully with others by holding space for What-is to truly be present. There is another part of me that is naïve to the power that way of being holds… and thus doesn’t always skillfully use timing or discernment. How do I come to better know these parts? Can you name them?

One part emerged immediately. I know her well. She appears readily at the surface of my expression, a light and free, playful self. The other part of my self was not as ready to be named. I allowed myself to rest in being, journeying on the land and in my soul.. and in the beauty and power of the ocean, I was able to name this other part of myself. Let me introduce you to them (again from my journal):

The innocent beginner – I’ll try anything. Why not. The best way to be an innocent beginner is to just put yourself out there. Just go for it and see what happens. I’m great at getting experiments started or inviting you into new experiences. I take the edge off of things because I give you permission to just be a beginner… be open and see what happens. I’m innocent because I really don’t know better. I’m just beginning to step my foot into this pool.

The woman who wields a sword – I notice how I have this sword. There is some body-knowing and memory of how I move, center and balance myself when holding a sword. This sword cuts through experience. The edge is fierce. Piercing the surface with awareness. It can be harsh and crisp. Awareness is often not gentle. Sometimes it’s seems so nice, helping to shave away the excess fluff that is in the way. Inviting clarity. Inviting precision. And other times it touches lived life that resists being touched… that wants to continue living as is and not to be poked and prodded, pierced with a sword of awareness.

Now that I know these two selves, I’ve been trying to notice when they emerge, especially the one who wields a sword. There is a quality that I feel in my body, a lightening of form, an expansive sense, a sharpening of presence. I am slowly starting to recognize this as her emerging. When I become aware of this I am making extra effort to listen intently to guidance of how to respond. Recognizing that in my being right now I wield a weapon and I must proceed with caution and clarity. I assume a stature of poise, balance, precision and awareness… when I remember… when I am aware.

The Synchroncity: At the Art of Hosting, “Anita Paalvast, a very powerful aikidoka, drew her katana and walked the circle, lowering the blade in front of each of us and challenging us to identify our fear and the shadow that is in our midst” (Corrigan). I plan to write more about Chris’ post and Thomas’ response and how I want to hear Christy say something on the topic! In the meantime, to stay with this story, it was Helen’s comment that illuminated more to me about this new responsibility I’ve been invited to consciously respect.

She says:

Another shadow challenge that can derail our work in the world is our own passion.

We need to know how to remain in perfect poise and dignity, never to push our adversary or interlocutor into a place they cannot go unless we are prepared and awake enough to go with them to guard their back.

I have not always respected this. I recognize how dangerous my own passions can be and the shadow sides of longings that emerge from them. And how often have I drawn my sword and then walked away, abandoning the other? Chris wrote about the shadows of greed, failure and dishonesty. How often have I drawn my sword out of greed or fear of failure? Was I ever dishonest with my sword?

In my heart right now, I feel and offer deep apologies to those whom I have disrespected and possibly even harmed with my unconsciousness and lazy use of the sword. I am sorry for the inappropriate times that I have drawn my sword, cut into awareness and imposed a force upon you that caused harm to your system… your emotional, spiritual, cognitive or physical system. Please forgive me for mistakes from my past… and in my future. I welcome support from my companions to hold me more accountable as I learn to embrace this side of myself and be more responsible with this power. Thank you… and with love…

Photos from Helen and Tom

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Piercing My Existence

Hi!

It’s been awhile since I’ve found a voice to offer here. I notice that when I’m experiencing deep and rapid change in my life, writing here can feel confusing. The sense is something like, I’m not who I was when I last wrote here… and how do I jump in with who I am now… especially when I don’t know who I am now?

Passion beats wildly as my heart.
Flying light,
like sparks and trails of fireworks,

piercing my existence
tingling a fierce dance
between pain and wakefulness

Here is a song whose lyrics resonate deeply with me right now. I highly recommend The Weepies.

The Weepies Big Strong Girl

It’s not now or never.
It’s not black, and it’s not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.

Don’t push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can’t do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you’re a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.

Rest your head.
You’ve got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don’t expect connection any time soon.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you’re wrapped around the sun.

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