Personally~
I’m being asked to deal with my shadows. To face the wounds and scars of the past that are still festering inside me… that at times seep into my daily interactions and shape my present. I want to be real with myself. These wounds and scars are alive inside me. They are influencing me. I have not healed from them. I do not find their influence valuable.
I have shame. Shame when I act from the place of the wound/scar (fear, mistrust, insecurity). Shame that the past has such influence on my now. Shame that I continue to be hurt and unhealed by these old wounds. Shame that I can’t just forgive and move on. Shame that I am so hard on myself.
I feel guilty. Guilty that when I interact with folks with whom these scars were developed, that I can cause harm to them when I react from the pain of these wounds. My intention is not to hurt or to lash out. Sometimes that is what is felt by others. Guilty that my fears, mistrust, insecurities shape the quality of relationships I have with people in my life…
In the world~
I’m witnessing as the wounds and scars from the past, from the present, are festering inside so many people, communities, cultures, countries. Creating seemingly insurmountable obstacles between people…within people. To face and address these bleeding wounds, these century old scars is painful. Is uncomfortable. Is violently destructive to a worldview that ignores the reality of these lesions. Is harrowing work.
To face these wounds seems to require immense strength, diligence, focused attention, compassion and support. I see people I love and respect giving up on their communities – losing hope that the community as it is will be able to overcome the deeply entangled systemic and structural dysfunction and dehumanization that is the result of these old wounds and scars, current wounds and scars. I see news accounts of humans without safety, shelter, access to basic needs… hundreds of thousands of them, millions of them, around the planet. The wounds… scars… are alive and real and influencing the world that is operating today.
They say~
They say that to heal the wounds and scars inside me will help to heal the wounds and scars in the world. I know this is true at one level. I cannot do the work I am called to do when these raw hemorrhages influence my thinking and acting. I cannot support others in their own healing while unconscious to the areas of my own healing that are necessary. I cannot understand the intricate path to healing, regeneration, restoration, transformation without walking it myself.
And yet for me, I can’t only focus on my own healing and close my eyes to the healing of my community, my country, my planet. (not mine as in I own it, but mine as in I am an interconnected part of it).
So I pray that the personal work I am doing right now with myself and my relationships – may it serve me, my own happiness and well-being, and may it reach beyond the boundaries of myself… in service to a world that truly works for all.
Hello Ashley!
reading your words, and being a psychotherapist, I can’t hold back to give you some comments – advice – wider context – deeper understanding.
It is good to understand that both shame and guilt are not what we call primary emotions – like pleasure, sadness, anger, love, hate… Primary emotions are present in every baby, all across humanity. Shame and guilt only appear in the process of socialisation and many times have to do with some kind of ‘belief’ about what is true, or honest, or right, or … but because they are based on beliefs and social structure they kind of keep you fixed in your position. There is no release from shame and guilt, as some moments of deep crying can release you from deep sadness – only changing your beliefs (read your paragraph on what you are ashamed of). Change them in ‘this is what is’. Yes, these old wounds are still there. Fact. No blaming, no judgment. It is how it is for you – and for many others! We are all just human; nothing perfect.
This is what/how it is – such a healing place to be in!
with love from across the ocean,
Ria