I Don’t Know How to ‘Carry On’

Warning: Triggering content.

I have work to do. I have a proposal deadline for tomorrow morning. It’s for a good project, one that is large in scope and significantly relevant for these times we are living.

I went to facebook before diving into the work. And now I’m stuck. I can’t move on. I’m writing this post to try and get myself unstuck.

I just learned about Sandra Bland’s death. The story that I am seeing: A young woman from Illinois speaks out on social media about police brutality and racial injustice. She gets her dream job working on outreach at her Alma Mater university. On Friday, she’s driving from Chicago to her new job in Texas and gets pulled over for improper use of a signal. (One article mentioned that she had made a fb status update with the Texas county she was in.) There’s video of her arrest, her pinned to the ground and speaking up about being in pain. 3 days later (the same day her bail was to be posted, 3 days ago), she’s found dead in her cell. Officials indicate a suicide, asphyxiation…

What? I start googling. Looking to learn more. Searching for facts. Seeing what people are saying. And feeling crushed. Here we are again. We don’t know the whole story yet, but fuck.

Meanwhile, there’s also a facebook invitation that I realize I’ve been avoiding giving conscious thought to. The KKK have a permit for a rally on Saturday at the Statehouse in Columbia, South Carolina. There are people organizing to go and rally in response. Should I be going?

I’m bouncing back between the links, learning about both of these situations. I’m looking to understand…

And meanwhile… my spirit is crumbling inside. I’m hit with fits of sobbing. My body heaving. What the fuck is going on here? Two hours and 15 minutes from my house is a city where the state has sanctioned the gathering of known terrorists and simultaneously Black people can be murdered, abused and arrested at will by officials. (My mind starts spinning at this sentence. I can’t even go into naming all of the inhumane actions against Black people that are sanctioned.)

What is this power and governance system that I live in? What do I do? Should I be going to the rally on Saturday? Call the Sheriff’s office? I’ve signed a petition (sarcastic laugh and truthful statement).

My mind (and body) is flooded with images of hangings, lynchings, Klan rallies… mashed up with images from now, the modern day version that is happening.

To refocus my attention and get back to my work, I have to stop feeling all that I’m feeling. I have to pull myself away and redirect my brain to stop sensing into this horror that is going on around me and flooding me in this moment. But the thoughts and emotions keep spinning. And I realize how privileged I am to know that I do have the ability to turn it off, at least at a surface level.

It’s hard to feel paralyzed. To feel heart broken and inadequate, wanting to close my eyes and shut down, while rage fumes inside.

My prayer for this moment: May we open our eyes and see what is happening around us. Wherever we live – our homes, our cities, our countries. May we wake up to the abuse of power that is destroying so much life… at alarming rates and in horrific ways. May we have love and support around us, as we bare witness to this state and turn compassionately towards one another to take care of each other and the living world that is our home.