Do tell me how you are doing, dear Ashley.
swimming inside of the many parts of myself, i look for dear Ashley. i felt her melt at this request of another wanting to genuinely know how she is doing. another’s heart reaching through the computer and offering presence and acceptance for exactly how i am doing. i felt such freedom in this request. that the asker will see me fully in whatever form i share with her. she’ll love me fully no mater how i’m doing.
and now i’ve found dear Ashley. embodying her, i am sensitive and vulnerable. i wear my heart as my skin. there is no outer layer of protection. the raw fierceness of love lines my being and i am totally exposed to the world and all of its elements. my surface of love has a powerful magnetic quality to it. it longs to connect with the love in others. it’s unyielding magnetism is attracted to the purity and innocence of love as expressed in others and quickly joins with that love. regardless of how Ashley and Other are interacting (having coffee, talking on the telephone, writing an email, gazing into each other’s eyes) the Love within us is embracing, dancing, making more love. that love inside of us leaps to greet an old and dear friend and together they celebrate and rejoice. i love this side of me, of dear Ashley!
right now, i’m feeling vulnerable, anxious, and ecstatic. my heart is wide open and i am getting ready to walk into a world in which my heart has a tendency to close down. i am walking into the territory of the unknown. i’m sure you know that place. i’m sure you’ve experienced how it haunts and teases us with the uncertainty of its mysteries. as i approach those uncertainties my skin starts to scream out for attention, forcing my heart back inside the borders. i then end up isolating myself from the radiance of my heart, my love, my dear one. i fool myself into thinking that i have to retreat, that i am protecting myself, protecting dear Ashley. but in truth, it is just a habit. dear Ashley has learned how to protect herself and no longer needs the habit of retreating. i am able to stay wide open. i am able to embrace the love that fills my way. i am dexterous in my ability to swerve beyond, making my way through pain, shame, guilt, doubt, and disappointment.
i am guided by love, always open to growth and learning. i am becoming whole. so to answer your question, dear Mary, i am staying present with each moment, riding and noticing the wave of emotions that travel through me as i get ready to fly to north carolina and georgia for a most festive celebration of this season of thanks-giving. the first half of my trip is to walk the soil that knows my soul in the mountains of north carolina. i’ve been dreaming of my move back home for the last two years and in one month it will be my reality. thus… i’ve also been dreaming the logistics of jobs, house, community, etc. i frequently remind myself of this saying:
Más que planear, tenga que confiar.
More than to plan, you have to trust.
Trusting and believing and dreaming require more time, energy, and attention than planning, which is different from how our accustomed organizations (and internally shaped work patterns) operate. as much time as we put into planning we have to put MORE than that into trusting. into dreaming. into believing in that which we dream. i practice this. and now… as i’m at the cusp of actualizing, i feel the nervousness, anxiousness, fear of disappointment…(i’ll play the what-if game) what if i can’t bring my dreams into reality. what if all that i was believing in isn’t possible. what if i’m not as capable and qualified as i had convinced myself. what if i don’t have these gifts to offer. what if i was fooling myself. what if i’ve been dreaming in something that i can’t make happen. what if i was wrong. what if…. it feels so good to get those out!
now, with a huge grin on my face, and tremendous amounts of joy bubbling up through me, i gently grab dear Ashley’s hand, hold it warmly in the palm of my own, gaze sweetly in her eyes and share that radiant smile that we both know so well. and off into the world i walk. open, vulnerable, trusting, and ecstatic.
this is going to be fun!!!
mmmmmm