Receiving Compliments and Passing Them On

Tom Davis offered a wonderful practice for interacting with compliments in response to an earlier inquiry into compliments:

When Malcom Forbes was awarded the first ever GQ Manstyle award he said something like, "We most appreciate those awards we least deserve."

So I always try to remind myself of that when someone gives me a compliment. If the compliment is something which seems easy for me to do, then maybe I do deserve it, so I should be thankful and thoughtful that maybe that's an area I can use as a gift to help others for which it does not come easily. And if the compliment pleases me enormously, then be thankful for the compliment but realize that maybe there are others who are more deserving and that I should pass a compliment on to them sometime soon.

I love this extended invitation to pass on a compliment that feels good and yet I still see room for me to grow in that area. I love how that opens my eyes to recognizing my mentors, teachers, inspirations... and whole-heartedly sharing a compliment.

Thank you, Tom

You are Worthy of the Most Wonderful People

"What kind of people do you need in your life? What kinds of people do you want to attract?

Know that it is possible to attract people who will complement and compliment you, if you're open to receiving them in your life. Know that you're worthy of the most wonderful people and you will attract them. Settle for nothing less; expect at least that."

Thank you j a c k / z e n.

Reminds me of some older posts on compliments and complementing with others.

what's doubt all about?

alright, i've decided to drop the insecurity around being egotistical and stay humble. thanks, ya'll!! now i'm addressing the difficutly i have integrating a certain type of compliment. i notice how shy and quiet i become inside when someone makes a comment like this one to me:

THANKS TO YOU I'm DREAMING BIG

the irony is that if someone says to me I'm DREAMING BIG, i'm ecstatic and hold their words in such reverence. with the above statement, however, i feel challenged by the thanks to you part. knowing that this is a weakness of mine, on the outside i say you're welcome and i honor their words. and yet on the inside, part of me tries to dismiss the thanks to you. the party inside my head gets even more comical when i read such gifting words as these:

and Ashley, in all seriousness, I can see a direct correlation between your presence in my life and the possibilities that are presenting themselves, because you've given me the unwavering support and the subtle energy which are fueling the realization of my dreams! Thank you so much!

as touched as i am, i also experience this flash of what-if panic.
what if....

and a fleet of drama boats appears upon this ocean of love, taunting me with messages of disbelief and self-doubt, dripping drops of anxiety that tell me i don't have the right to play such a role in another's life. and then the magic happpens... my unyeilding desire to connect with beauty turns my attention back to the other. and the joy of another's radiance outshines my own shadow.

and so i must accept that this is simply one of the gifts that i offer to the world... why be afraid of that? so funny how this works... and so fascinating how our doubt points to such potent depths in our being.

my current challenge is to stay fully present when compliments like the one above are sent my way.

more compliments

i had an interesting conversation the other day. someone said to me:

"i know i'm not supposed to say this, but the people in the group really loved me." i was crushed by the preface that we're not supposed to say good things about ourselves. i think that being humble is a concept that has been taken way too seriously.

right now, i'm reading more about compliments. the positive discipline book for families recommends practicing giving and receiving compliments until it becomes a habit. i add to that, practice feeling good about and proud of our strengths and weaknesses. so on that note...

a new game. please share a compliment that you received that really touched a place inside of you. think of it as a way of being proud of your gifts and letting others know what kind of compliments make us feel all warm and tingly inside.

i'll start: i was stuck in line at the airport for a couple of hours (the computers had crashed). another man in line said to me, "I adore you -- i'm exploding in your smile."

(p.s. it's difficult for me to publish this post. i have to gather my self-doubt and push the publish button, regardless of how egotistical i might feel because i'm sharing with you that i have a great smile!!)

any one else want to share a meaningful compliment that you received?

comments:
Your comment about feeling good about our strengths and weaknesses reminds me of a conversation with my son. We'd just gotten home from picking him up at after school daycare. He showed me his math exam and told me, "I'm not good at math." Now, I knew this wasn't true, and the perfect score on his exam confirmed my opinion. I asked him, "Well, Brandon... What do you mean?" To which he again said, "I'm not good at math." The conversation went on like that for a few more rounds, and Brandon acknowledged that he'd gotten a perfect score and, while he was quick to point out that another kid in his class was as good as him at math, there was no one in his class better.

...
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:24 pm | #

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...

In the end, I said to him, "Brandon, it sounds like what you're telling me is that you don't like math." He got a sheepish grin and said, "Well, yeah." And from there, we talked about how it was perfectly fine to be good at something without necessarily enjoying it.

It's possible that he was just fishing for compliments, but I really don't think so. He receives many, many compliments on a regular basis. I think he was simply not comfortable with having a gift that others valued more than he did.
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:26 pm | #

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Recently, I have received the same deeply touching compliment from a few different folks, most of whom I'd never considered myself to be very close to.

This past quarter I dropped four of my six classes due to a death in the family and other personal stuff going on. A few different classmates and a professor at various times came to me and told me with depth and sincerity that they missed my presence in class.

To know that my presence made a significant difference in people's lives was truly touching, far more so than any compliment about a specific gift or the performance of a specific task.

Be love,

-Dave
Dave | 03.28.04 - 6:02 pm | #

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thanks for sharing dave. that is an ultimate compliment... and just to be confrontational (grin), i'd say that that is also a gift.

brandon's feelings towards math bring up some of my own experiences. i LOVE math. i think that it's wonderful! growing up, however, it was a hard subject to enjoy and be good in. it seemed that so many others struggled with it and had a passionate distaste for it. some times when i say that i love math, i still have that hint of embarrassment in my voice!

being love!
ashley
ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 12:22 am | #

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Hey, Ashley! It's patrice from the workshop. I continue to discover things that I learned while I was there. In response to the current topic, while I was in Austin, my friend, Jim, put his arm around my shoulders, gave me a squeeze and told me that I was a really good person. That kind of got to me, since I usually don't characterize myself like that. It's not that I don't think I am; I just don't really think about it. I loved the workshop. I was happy to have met you while I was there.
Patrice Hall | Email | 03.29.04 - 11:07 pm | #

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one of my favorites... i was at the open space on open space conference some years ago. anne stadler, one of the really wise souls of open space was there and went out on day one and got a pile of toys and fun stuff. i made a crazy hat out of tubers and zots foam stuff and wore it for most of the conference. nutty. at the end of the second day, i met anne at the elevator and said something like: "this has been the most amazing couple of days.... i'm going to have to wear this hat all the time now." and without a moment's hesitation anne says: "it might be the guy underneath the hat." perfectly reflected all of my best words and energy right back to me. brilliant she is.
michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 11:26 pm | #

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Leela's post over at IN got me thinking about this some more...

I think people all too often see individual worth, the worth of the self and others, as a zero sum game. Even though we all rationally know that praising another in no way diminishes ourself, I suspect that sub-consciously most folks feel that by praising others, the praiser's worth, even if only their relative worth, is diminished.

Could this explain why people are both reticent to give praise and uncomfortable receiving it?

[continued below...]
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:41 am | #

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[...continued from above]

Ironically, when we're free and open with praise, our perceived value in the eyes of others tends to go up. At least this is my experience...

I'm all for the regular sincere practice of giving and receiving praise. If we could all do that, it would be a step toward making the world a more pleasant place. My fear is that if we started practicing praise on a societal level, it would fall into the same trap that respect and consideration have fallen into. That is... Rather than focusing on being respectful and considerate of others, society has codified these attributes into a mindless, heartless, intentless set of rules called political correctness. But, that's another rambling...

Practicing love, praise and respect,

-Dave
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:42 am | #

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patrice,
great to see you here. i'd like to share an impression that you left on me. at the conference, each time i asked a question and didn't quite get the response that i thought that i was needing, you poked your head down and said, "just so you know,....". i really appreciated how tuned into my experience you were. thank you. it was a joy meeting you as well.

michael,
your story leaves me grinning!

dave,
i propose that using the word encouragement (and all that it entails) as separate from praise might differentiate from mind-less to heart-full.
ashley

compliment machine

some more on compliments from the book, positive discipline in the classroom:

"Explain to students that it can feel awkward to give and receive compliments when they aren't used to it. Use the analogy of leaning to ride a bike. Ask students how many of them would have never learned to ride if they had stopped because it was awkward at first... Spend some time on how to receive a compliment."

"By focusing on the specifics of what someone does, the person being complimented will get a better idea of what the other person likes... Junior high school students, who seem to find appreciation and acknowledgment more appropriate than compliment, often feel that giving complements is embarrassing"

The authors suggest that the first part of classroom meetings is spent in complementing and appreciating. they mention that in a complimenting circle, students have the opportunity to "give, get, or pass." i love this concept. i can choose to give a compliment to another, i can choose to pass my turn, or i can state that i need to receive a compliment. if i choose to get, i have another choice. i can tell the group what i need to hear and someone can volunteer to tell it to me or members of the group who would like to give me a compliment can raise their hand and i can choose someone.

i am really drawn to this step in teaching children to state what it is that they need. imagine a world where we all stated our needs. ahhh... sounds refreshing doesn't it. verses always having to guess and assume...

i apologize for constantly moving things from the comments box to the big screen! i just find them so much prettier (easier) to look at when they're up here! so, michael herman was saying,

"and then there is the bit noted in marshall rosenberg's non-violent communication, about what he refers to as flattery. he points out that so often we say things like "you're great," but don't say why. these "compliments" are really judgments and they can just as easily be flipped around. we don't like these "compliments" because we don't like any judgments being made about us. sometimes this flattery can be used as a means of subtle or not-so-subtle control, playing on whatever habit we have of trying to please others. better, says rosenberg, to say "i liked when you did..." or "i felt... when you did..." and own up to our own experience. then others can know better their effect and choose to do more or less of same."

this is so cool, distinguishing between giving a complement and providing flattery (how do you say that?). it brought to my mind the difference between praise and encouragement. in play therapy we say that in order to give power back to the child, an adult might want to avoid praise, in favor of encouragement. when one praises a child, "you did a good job," the message the child receives is he or she thinks that i did a good job. the adult is the all-knowing one. encouragement, on the other hand, would come in the form of, "wow, you worked really hard on that." which the child then internalizes as, wow, i did work really hard on that...and can choose to do more or less of the same based on his or her own judgment (which would probably be. wow, i did a good job!). the power is back inside the child.

so it appears that praise and flattery share some in common. they fill the space as a subtle or not-so-subtle means of control. and then there are complements and encouragement. they honor another being. i like that!

Comments:

Hi Ashley! These posts, and the thread I peeked at thru your window into Integral Naked, lead me to reflect on my own intentional behavior as an extravagant praiser--and I do think of what I offer as praise, as well as complimenting--with the distinctions being made here helpful and wise.

To me, praise is a form of prayer and gratitude and worship (in fact, the word I often like to use as a password is the Hebrew word for praise--oh, I guess that's supposed to be secret!). If I am moved or pleased by something I hear or see or by a quality I notice in someone I know, or don't know, I like to tell them so. Sometimes, it's true, people squirm a little or try to minimize the quality I am admiring. Just as often, maybe more often, though, people brighten up with (I think) the feeling of being recognized.

(oops--out of space--to be continued...)
Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.03.04 - 1:15 am | #

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(The rest of my long-winded reflection)

Recognized as an aspect of the divine, in a way.

The other part is: I do enjoy receiving praise and compliments, too, and it wasn't always so--a function of being more comfortable with myself, I think, and that's been a function of getting older. Usually, I can say "thank you", and mean it, even if seems like flattery or superficial social lubrication; and in general I can often say "I'm so glad you like that--I like it too!" And, receiving a compliment graciously is like receiving a present--it is also a gift to the giver for their offering to be accepted with pleasure.

Thank you, Ashley, for offering the opportunity to consider these questions!
love, Christy
Christy Lee-Engel | 03.03.04 - 1:47 am | #

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well, well... you never know who you'll meet in a place like this! thanks for your email, christy... more on that by email....

...and this whole thing reminds me that the key element seems to me to be about "seeing" another person. witnessing them, and doing it when they are at their best, or at least their good... no judging... just noticing.

and then, as we see all and everything as teacher, it seems this worship/praise and noticed goodness shines through in all we say to each person we meet. so no "compliments" needed... just a lot of paying good attention and paying attention to good. huh.
michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.03.04 - 12:45 pm | #

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Hi ya, Michael, too!

Oh, yes, that is the key, isn't it?--appreciation without judgment, just really seeing a person without having a subtle or not-so-subtle desire to control, "paying good attention and paying attention to good". You know, that kind of interaction/experience is profoundly simple and powerful medicine.

love,
Christy
Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 - 2:13 am | #

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hey michael!

ashley, i'm intrigued to notice that you switched back and forth a few times between spellings. Webster says, "compliment - an expression of approval or admiration, esp: a flattering remark"...and "complement - something that fills up or completes."

so for me, here's what it's like to receive a complement: i have extended myself in relationship with a person. reached out, not knowing whether or how i have touched. there is a not-necessarily-uncomfortable feeling of incompletion.

then he/she tells me his/her experience of receiving...
(next message)
chris weaver | Email | 03.04.04 - 2:48 am | #

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...and i experience the completion of a circuit of relationship. yes, michael, it's noticing, but what i find most meaningful is when my friend notices his/her own experience of receiving and shares that story, rather than articulating something "about" me.

i am thinking that giving "complements" like this is a wonderful art, and i am thinking that it invites love and creative intimacy. a complement honors the subtle nature of connection between people, how one person's word or gesture or smile evokes another person to open, or to journey, or to face a fear, or to burst into bloom.

& christy if i knew your password i bet it would describe this dance!
chris weaver | Email | 03.04.04 - 2:58 am | #

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yes, absolutely about sharing one's own experience of the other, chris. we actually touched on that a couple of posts back.

what a fun little gathering this turns out to be. feels like open space TO ME, ashley! (grin)
michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 - 1:47 pm | #

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seeing another person--
recognizing an aspect of the divine.
a circuit of relationship,
honoring the subtle nature of connection between people.

powerful medicine
ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 - 3:57 pm | #

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and today i read in Positive Discipline about Celebrating: "When you are quick to celebrate any movement in the direction of a student's potential or maturity, you encourage. When you demand too much too soon, you discourage."
ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.04.04 - 3:57 pm | #

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Chris, I find your phrase "how one person's word or gesture or smile evokes another person to..." to be itself an evocation, a drawing out/leaning in, celebration of movement; and the image that arises in me to complement that phrase is the Yin/Yang symbol, black and white fish swimming curled up head to tail--the most important part of that complementary pair being the tiny dot of the other that each one carries in its center.

A dance of both connection (one to the other) and communion (no other, just One)!
Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.05.04 - 1:53 am | #

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YOUR words christy just brought that symbol utterly to life for me.

ashley shared with me recently a description of masculine and feminine aspect/paths to enlightenment (ken wilbur's) - feminine being total absorbtion in love and masculine involving reflection...and i am liking the feel of the interplay between them as your two fish hula hooping around together...
chris weaver | Email | 03.05.04 - 8:34 pm | #

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Ah! the revelation of aliveness is transmitted through your words, Chris--that little marks on a screen can carry life force is magic, isn't it?

Yes, I can see how the feminine principle/path is the one of total absorption of light (thus is the black fish; all that's dark, moist, cool, deep, receptive--that's Yin) and the masculine is the reflective, white/bright, transcendent, active--that's Yang. Inseparable.
Christy Lee-Engel | Email | Homepage | 03.06.04 - 3:05 am | #

more on compliments

this was posted at the integral naked discussion on compliments:

"I just wanted to share this thought with you all. As a foreigner, I was just shocked to see how compliment-saturated the American social-culture is when I first moved to the U.S. Most of it seems empty to me, at times. I felt sofocated by the excess of adjectives and labels every time someone opened their mouth. If there is nervous silence, it seems inevitable that a compliment, adjective or label (that is completely unnecessary) will be thown out in the air just for the sake of it...
I personally dig being complemented, when is timely, meaningful and sincere. I don't like to give compliments unless I really mean it (well, after 3 years in the U.S., I;m starting to get into that habit, as well).

I don't mean to be agressive, but that is one thing I hardly ever get the chance to express... since it's a cultural difference I don't think people are ready to hear this. This conversations at IN are about running around naked so that's why I decided to speak up. I apologize if anyone feels attacked by it, but really guys think about it... make good use of your ability to compliment people!"

to which i replied:

ABSOLUTELY... i think that is one of the big reasons that people cringe when they get a compliment... because so often they are just empty words that people throw into a space. that's interesting to hear that it's a cultural thing. i'd never thought about it from that perspective. what you bring up is exactly why i clarified that by compliments, i mean the genuine ones from the heart.

any other observations on it being a cultural thing?

i invite us all to be conscious of how we give and receive compliments. avoiding throwing complementary words into the air for the sake of filling space, and feeling as the timely, meaningful, and sincere words land within our being.

have fun!

Compliments

What are (as we say in the south) all ya’lls thoughts on compliments?
Anything come up when you give them or receive them? I’m not always so great about receiving them... some times, somewhere in my head they turn into “oh, but that’s nothing… you’re that too.” And instead of hearing and taking the compliment, I’m way too quick to mirror it back to the other person, or move on to a different subject. It’s so funny because when I do that I just deny the other person the joy of giving the compliment. I’m getting better at receiving them.

On the flip side… I LOVE to GIVE compliments… genuine ones from my heart. I can’t think of anything more delicious to do than to tell people why and how I love them… to share the beautiful ways that I see them…

Any thoughts?

p.s. i posted this same pondering at Integral Naked. you can read the comments by clicking here.

cool compliment

hi gang...

we-- those of us playing on the easily amazed playground-- got such a great complement. it was sent to me, but i know that it really goes to all of us (us being those that write AND those that read):

"i love your site, it reminded me today to take a second to appreciate and
be aware of the current moment."

YIPPEEE.... in my current moment... the coffee jitters have me boinging from one task to another. the sun is pouring into my room in such a gentle way. the corners of my eyes are smiling. crazy smells of sizzling beef and aromatic candles are mingling with one another. i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by all i want to do today, and pleasantly enjoying the slow pace at which i am moving!

what does your current moment look like?